I’m feeling really sad today and just felt like having a ramble about Alzheimer’s if you don’t mind.
I miss my Grandad. I know he’s not dead but I miss him, I miss being able to tell him what’s going on in my life, the last few months have been huge for me to say the least and I wish he knew. Because let’s face it no matter how many times I tell him my exciting news he doesn’t know. And it makes me so incredibly sad because I know he’d be so proud of the woman I’m turning in to and I just wish he could see.
That’s the strange thing about Alzheimer’s isn’t it? They’re alive but its like they’re on another planet or in another dimension because nothing that happens around them registers, good news or bad. I don’t get it!
It’s probably silly that after two years this stuff is just hitting me now, but I guess before I was so busy caring that I didn’t really have time to think about it all, but yesterday I was sitting next to Grandad holding his hand talking to him and it dawned on me that he’ll never know me again, he’s never going to see what I’m doing with my blog, or in life in general. Even if he’s still around when I get married he won’t know, he won’t even know his great grandchildren should there be any.
And actually this stupid realisation I’ve had has completely broken my heart because this man as good as raised me and now finally I’m making something of my life, finally all of the hard work that I put it and that HE put into my life is paying off and he can’t see it.
I miss him, I miss the way things used to be. I’d give anything to be able to tell him everything and have him understand. I know he’d be so proud of me and I just wish he knew.
I used to think that death was the cruellest thing, but actually the more I think about it the more I realise that actually Alzheimer’s is crueler than death itself.
I’d give anything to make him better.
This is a picture I took yesterday. The tattoo on my wrist says ‘Nil Illegitimi Carborundum’ which is sea mans Latin for don’t let the bastards get you down. It’s something my Grandad always said to me when I was growing up.
Sorry this wasn’t a very cheerful post but I just feel so sad and needed to talk.
Hope you’re all okay, comment down below, tweet me @MissCharlotteEm and let me know xo
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